I think farts are hilarious.Now before you start accusing me of being an unsophisticated, uncouth, crass, blue-collar yokel consider this: I didn't invent the things. God did.
And God had to have had a sense of humor when he invented them. Imagine creating a race of beings who walk around blowing hot, smelly gas out their ass, and often very LOUDLY.
Everyone has gas at one time or another (even the President). Its just a matter of how bad, how often, and whether it happens in public. I have a friend who is so flatulently repressed he says he has never farted...ever. And if he has to, he holds it in.
Now I don't know about you, but if I've got a lot of air pressure pushing against my sphincter, I'm going to let it out! It's where it's supposed to go...it's the natural order of things. Holding it in just postpones the inevitable, and makes it a whole lot worse. Like procrastinating on paying your bills...there WILL be a reckoning day!
Now, the degree of humor in any given fart situation is a function of how loud it is, how raunchy it is, how many people are in the "kill zone," and how embarrassed the flatulator is.
So what is flatology? It's the scientific study of flatulence. According to flatologists, flatulations are classified according to their three primary characteristics, known as the "Three 'S's": sound, smell, and spread.
1. Sound: The sound is made up of a combination of various measurable elements: volume (decibel level), length, timbre, pitch, repetition, etc., including their change over time. This is expressed in a series of graphs, mapping these sound characteristics over time.
2. Smell: Anywhere from "diffuse" to "deadly." It also takes into account the "delay factor," which is calculated as a function of the air density differential, the temperature differential, and wind speed/direction.
3. Spread: The precise dimensions of the "kill zone" and its change over time. This is represented by a series of graphs showing concentric rings of decreasing intensity from the source and the precise degree of exposure within each radius. Since the "delay factor" is directly related to spread, spread is also dependent on the air density differential, the temperature differential, and wind speed/direction.
Therefore, it stands to reason that the worse fart possible would max out in all three categories...while the most innocuous would barely register in any category.
However, there is a special subcategory, popularly known as the "silent but deadly" which barely registers on sound meters, but maxes out the other two. It can be argued that this is, in fact, the worst possible flatulation because bystanders have no early warning sign, and are, therefore, caught in the "kill zone" unawares until it's too late.
It is this special subcategory that is the subject of my next post...
The Stan
5 comments:
Oh, The Stan. Does that friend of yours who doesn't fart happen to be Matt B? He is the only anti-fart person I know.
Here's what I think about the subject: It's definitely hilarious under most circumstances. My family truly appreciates gas-passing. We took full advantage of terms like "pull my finger" and even invented our own: "the double barrel." The double barrel is when you hold out two fingers instead of one - usually for a huge fart.
Once I started teaching high school, however, I began to think farting was disgusting. My students fart around me all the time, mostly on the sly. In those situations I don't think it is funny at all. It simply gets in the way of my instruction...and my ability to enjoy life!
I only enjoy farting for recreation. People need to make a point of making it funny; otherwise don't do it at all! That's what I say.
Oh, and by the way, ever since I married Matt B - someone vehemently against farts - I think my body has forgotten how to do it altogether. Around him, I've lost all my mirth in that department. But I am going home in August, and I plan on seeing my older brother...the king of farts.
"I only enjoy farting for recreation." LOL!!
Well, Shell C, You certainly had a lot more to say about this subject, than I imagined.
But to answer your question, I thought about Matt B, but actually the person I was thinking of has the initials of GB...my former roommate.
Hey, could you send me your email address?
Ah, that's right. Now I do remember that there is another anti-gas person that I know. I should have made the connection, since Matt B doesn't really hold them in; he just never makes any fun of it when it does occur.
This post reeks of cringe, learn that humor comes naturally, not up "in your face" like an annoying dickhead. Get neutered before you reply snark to me.
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