An Age Old Question Answered

About a month ago, my life completely changed.

I made a monumental decision that will affect me for the rest of my life.

And it’s the sort of life-changing event that rarely happens in the life of men. Most men pretty much have their mind made up in this area long before casting their first vote... or even drinking their first beer.

In fact, most men go their entire lives without even giving such a change the fair consideration it deserves.

I’m talking about the age-old question of boxers vs. briefs.

Up until about a month ago, I was a brief man. I was firmly in the brief camp, and for good reason: the “package” stays all in one place. You always know where it is. No “adjustment” necessary.

It also makes it easier to hide erections. It’s much harder to “pitch a tent” when things are tucked away nice and tight.

But now I’m living the free and easy life. And I finally understand why so many men find it necessary to constantly “adjust” themselves.

Yes... I’ve decided to let the guys hang loose for a change.

Now, at first you may wonder why in the world I’d make such bold move at the ripe old age of 33.

Well, let me tell you.

Turns out that wearing briefs not only reduces your sperm count (something I’ve known a long time and never worried one iota about), but it reduces your testosterone level, too.

And low testosterone can be a root cause of weight gain, reduced libido, penile shrinkage, muscle atrophy... and man boobs.

DOH!!

So now that I know all this (and knowing is half the battle), I decided it was time to hang loose and easy for while.

No more testosterone-squelching briefs for me!

I’m liberating the guys and embracing my manhood.

Hello, world!

The Stan

Barbarians at the Gate

Enjoy, my friends....

The Stan Gets Political

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out,....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e

y-o-u-r

p-e-o-p-l-e

g-o-i-n-g t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e

H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"



The Stan ;)

P.S. Wasn't that "Hillaryous?"

Little Jimmy's Letter From Camp

Dear Mom & Dad:

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.

You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see just how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything.

Love,

Jimmy

(The Stan's Note: I got this in my inbox from my Dad and thought it was hilarious!)

The Total Perspective Vortex

The "Total Perspective Vortex" is the creation of Douglas Adams, author of "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

Here's how it works: you're placed inside of this machine (called the "Total Perspective Vortex"), which forces upon you a complete and total perspective of the entire universe. It is designed as a punishment for the arrogant because they realize in a traumatic way how insignificant they are in relation to the entire universe. Everyone who enters the Total Perspective Vortex goes completely bonkers.

Here's a sample of what one small part of the Total Perspective Vortex might look like:



The rest can be found here: The Scale of the Universe.

Influence and Mind Control

Damn. It's been almost a week since my last post.

Not much has changed in the last week. Still trying to get these brass band auditions together, and hoping we get a good turnout.

Other than that, I started reading Robert Cialdini's classic book "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion." Fascinating stuff. I've been particularly interested in influence and persuasion lately. I'll give a report later.

In the meantime, check out this clip from Darren Brown. He has a show on the Sci-Fi Channel. This guy is an expert at reading people and using subliminal messages to subconsciously communicate with, control, or fool people. Fascinating. In some cases, I can see what he's doing. In others...just bazaar (like the phantom limb experiments where the person closes their eyes and can actually "feel" and correctly guess objects placed in the phantom hand.)

Can you see what he's doing here?

You Gotta Love Cats!

I'm a dog person, but cats do have their uses from time to time...

The New FireFox

I hear FireFox is thinking about changing their logo...

So THAT's what that fox was up to!

Damn Cell Phones...

I think cell phones are ruining a whole generation of Americans. Can't anyone concentrate on anything these day? Can't you have conversation, or hold a meeting, or watch a damn movie for Christ's sake without someone feeling compelled to answer their damn phone? It's times like those I wish I were Darth Vader...

Famous Tuba Players

I love tuba players. They're usually the dorks of the band, and that's saying something. Tuba players usually have sense of humor and don't take themselves as seriously as the rest of the brass players.

That's why I like them so much. Maybe I should have been a tuba player, myself. I never really got the hang of the whole trumpet player ego thing.

But anyway, I was relaxing with a few beers the other day with my friend Abel, my tuba playing friend, when he saw fit to inform me of famous tuba players past and present. He even gave me the photo evidence to prove it.

I was impressed. In fact, I believe many of you will recognize some of these closet tubists:















In other news, the L.A. Metropolitan Brass Band had their first concert in over a year yesterday. As usual, it was a big hit with the crowd, and it was a decent one, too. We expect to have two more concerts this year: a fall concert and a Christmas concert.

I didn't play this time around. Too little time to practice and get in shape. So I worked the audience collecting names and email addresses. I don't want any repeats of our first concert where the band was bigger than the audience!

The Stan

H2ommmm Water: Vibration Hydration!

I've been studying marketing for over a year now, and as my die-hard readers know, I work as a marketing director for a small company in Torrance. So when I see a site like www.h2omwater.com, there are two sides of myself looking at this.

The first side is the educated, skeptical side who has more than a layman's understanding of science. The side that thinks crystal-hugging, magnet-loving, new-age hippies are full of sh*t.

But then there's the marketer in me who appreciates good marketing.

So let's consider H2om water. For the uninitiated, that's pronounced "H 2 Ommmm." Here's a bit of copy straight from their website:

Intention is Everything

H2Om Water with Intention is the world’s first interactive natural spring water. Infused with the power of positive energy through words, music, colors, symbols and you.

Our vision for H2Om is to spread positive energy, inspire people to visualize amazing possibilities in their lives, and carry those vibrations throughout the world.

But wait! There's more...

As an added bonus, once our water is in the bottle, we play a restorative compositions [sic] of music, frequencies, and spoken word to the water.

Isn't that nice? I get to pay $1.50 per 16 ounce bottle (if I buy it in a 24-bottle case, that is)--plus shipping--so I can get water that's been sung at.

You see, that's important because, as H2Om tells me, "Recent scientific studies have proven that water is receptive. It retains and reflects the vibratory energy it is exposed to." (Don't ask me what that means.) "Whether it be words, thoughts, or music, water receives these vibrations and illustrates them under magnification." (Don't ask me what that means, either.) "Based on these principles, H2Om water was created." (There. Clear as mud.)

Check out their taglines:
"A positive affirmation in every bottle. Think it while you drink it!"

When I read something this hilarious, I can't even adequately comment on it because it carries its own humor. Nothing I can possibly say would make it any funnier and more ridiculous than it already is. (For a good laugh, read through their copy.)

So let's talk about the marketing aspect.

There is a certain segment of the population that eats (drinks) this stuff up. Those very same crystal-hugging neo-hippies I mentioned earlier. (I think I just coined a word: "neo-hippies.")

And because of this segment, this is terrific marketing! They're creating a solid unique selling proposition (USP) that sets itself apart from every other commodity water-bottler out there. And because of that, they can charge a premium to gullible morons.

They've picked their target market. They're certainly not all things to all people. They've chosen a message and their market and have perfectly matched that message to their market.

It's genius. It's the ultimate snake-oil sales pitch. And I LOVE IT!

Pure genius. Go buy some H2Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The Stan

What's Really On My Mind

I changed my mind about blogging about farts again today. So if you were really looking forward to me expounding on SBDs (silent but deadlies), then I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I'd rather my blog not descend into the realms of toilet humor (any more than it already has)...and I certainly don't walk around thinking about farts all day, the way I do about sex.

I mean seriously.

They say guys think about sex about every six seconds or so...and I'm beginning to think that's probably true. I can be deep in thought about the most serious issue...when here comes this random thought about...

...nice supple breasts...

...a pair of shapely legs...

...a lovely round ass...

or...

...

What is it about sex, anyway?

In fact, here I am, right at this very moment, writing up my blog, thinking about sex...

Give me a second, here...

...

...

Okay, I'm back...oh wait, hold on...

...

...

Now...what were we talking about, again?

Oh, yeah!

...

...

Niiiiiice!

...

...

The Stan

An Introduction To Flatology

I think farts are hilarious.

Now before you start accusing me of being an unsophisticated, uncouth, crass, blue-collar yokel consider this: I didn't invent the things. God did.

And God had to have had a sense of humor when he invented them. Imagine creating a race of beings who walk around blowing hot, smelly gas out their ass, and often very LOUDLY.

Everyone has gas at one time or another (even the President). Its just a matter of how bad, how often, and whether it happens in public. I have a friend who is so flatulently repressed he says he has never farted...ever. And if he has to, he holds it in.

Now I don't know about you, but if I've got a lot of air pressure pushing against my sphincter, I'm going to let it out! It's where it's supposed to go...it's the natural order of things. Holding it in just postpones the inevitable, and makes it a whole lot worse. Like procrastinating on paying your bills...there WILL be a reckoning day!

Now, the degree of humor in any given fart situation is a function of how loud it is, how raunchy it is, how many people are in the "kill zone," and how embarrassed the flatulator is.

So what is flatology? It's the scientific study of flatulence. According to flatologists, flatulations are classified according to their three primary characteristics, known as the "Three 'S's": sound, smell, and spread.

1. Sound: The sound is made up of a combination of various measurable elements: volume (decibel level), length, timbre, pitch, repetition, etc., including their change over time. This is expressed in a series of graphs, mapping these sound characteristics over time.

2. Smell: Anywhere from "diffuse" to "deadly." It also takes into account the "delay factor," which is calculated as a function of the air density differential, the temperature differential, and wind speed/direction.

3. Spread: The precise dimensions of the "kill zone" and its change over time. This is represented by a series of graphs showing concentric rings of decreasing intensity from the source and the precise degree of exposure within each radius. Since the "delay factor" is directly related to spread, spread is also dependent on the air density differential, the temperature differential, and wind speed/direction.

Therefore, it stands to reason that the worse fart possible would max out in all three categories...while the most innocuous would barely register in any category.

However, there is a special subcategory, popularly known as the "silent but deadly" which barely registers on sound meters, but maxes out the other two. It can be argued that this is, in fact, the worst possible flatulation because bystanders have no early warning sign, and are, therefore, caught in the "kill zone" unawares until it's too late.

It is this special subcategory that is the subject of my next post...

The Stan

It's Towel Day!!

For those who haven't heard, it's Towel Day. Here's what you do: you get a big towel, fling it over your shoulder. And you just walk around with it all day long just like that.

And if anyone asks you why you've got a big towel flung over your shoulder, just tell 'em it's Towel Day!

Actually, it's an homage to the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," one of the greatest sci-fi books ever written. (If you judge "greatest" to mean "most hilarious," that is.) In this universe, a towel is one of the most important and useful things to carry with you when you're hitchhiking it.

On another note (or perhaps the same one), I've really been descending into Geek-dom lately. And I mean seriously.

For the record, though:

1. I've never played a role-playing game in my life.
2. I've never really been into video games.
3. I've never been to a Star Trek convention.
4. I've never dressed up as a Star Trek character.
5. I've never worn a cape, or cloak, or robe, or anything of the sort. (Except once. One year I dressed up as a monk for Halloween.)
6. I've never discussed the intricacies of any fictional universe.
7. And finally, I've never created my own universe.

Until now.

For some reason, I've been really getting off on creating a fantasy universe with the intention of writing a book (eventually a series of books) based on it. Think of Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars, or whatever. It's a collaborative effort with a good friend of mine and we've both been having the time of our lives. It's more fun than I've had in years.

So that can only mean one thing:

I'm really a geek after all. But that probably comes as no surprise to any of you. All you gotta do is see my glasses, which are so strong, I look like I'm perpetually impersonating the monster from the 1958 Classic "The Crawling Eye."

The Stan

Finger Lengthen Good!

Apparently, I'm good at math and science because my ring finger is longer than my index finger and the ratio of their lengths is greater than normal.

Weird, huh?

That's what it says in this article at Live Science. It has to do with exposure to testosterone levels in the womb.

Interesting.

I took the ACT, not the SAT, but my math score was perfect. My science score was near perfect. But my reading and English scores were lower. (Which could have been predicted by measuring my finger lengths!)

I just want to know one thing: what does the length of the middle finger tell you?

The Stan

Battlestar Galactica

Battlestar Galactica is the best show I've ever seen. That's not to say it's the best show ever created. I never did watch a lot of TV. But as far as what I've seen (and I've seen at least a few episodes of a lot of sci-fi shows), it's by far the best.

I just watched the last episode of season 3 last night. (I didn't get to bed until 2:00 am because I HAD to watch the rest of the third season.) It got a little wierd in that last episode, but I MUST KNOW what happens in the upcoming season 4. Some very surprising plot developments there.

Here's why I think this show is deserving of "Best Sci-Fi Show of All Time."

1. The actors are terrific. This is some of the best acting ever to appear in the sci-fi genre.
2. Some of the actors are really hot like Boomer/Athena, Caprica 6, and Number 3 (Lucy Lawless) and you get plenty of gratuitous lingerie shots.
3. The scripts are awesome. Every character is a real person--with flaws and everything. So you actually care about these characters. They're real--not some one-dimensional cardboard character. Contrast that with Star Trek.
4. The action is nonstop. Every episode is full of drama, excitement, and action. Contrast THAT with Star Trek. As much as I used to like Star Trek, many episodes were downright boring.
5. It presents a realistic portrayal of humans in the future. They're not a more "evolved" noble race. They're every bit as flawed as we are today, and deal with many of the same issues.
6. It deals with contemporary philosophical issues and moral dilemmas. What morals and values would you hold on to if our entire civilation were destoyed and you were relentlessly pursued by an enemy with overwhelming forces? Would that change your ideas about freedom, due process, rules of war?
7. The story line is unpredictable. You never know when a major character is going to die off, or change roles, or undergo life-changing events. Good stuff.

In short, it's just damn good story-telling and damn good TV. I love it! And if you haven't seen it, go out and rent the miniseries and seasons 1 & 2. Season 3 comes out on DVD in August, I think. (I happened to catch a sci-fi channel marathon.)

The only downside is, I've got to wait a few months to find out what happens!

The Stan

Ode To Turkey Jerky

Turkey Jerky may be murky.
Turkey Jerky may taste quirky.
But Turkey Jerky makes me perky!

Hmmmm...What do you know! I'm a poet and don't knows it. But my "D" sure shows it...cause it's a Loooongfellow.

I know, I know. IME SOFA KING WE TALL DID.

The Stan

How To Get a Hard-On From a Spider

Lurking in the Brazilian rainforests...

awaits a terrifying eight-legged creature...

a spider with such terrible venom...

it gives you a massive hard-on that lasts for hours!

http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/070501_spider_venom.html

What if Spiderman would have been bitten by this guy. I suppose he'd have an entirely different set of powers...

Seriously, though. I'm sure there are many men impatiently awaiting the commercial development of this discovery. I hear the new drug will be given the scientific name "mycoxafailin."

Dr. Hardstan

How To Destroy The Earth

I found this interesting article on Live Science today, featuring the top ten ways to destroy the Earth. Check it out:

http://www.livescience.com/technology/destroy_earth_mp.html

My favorite, and the most intriquing method, is the light bulb one. I'm going to have to look into that.

Mwahahahahaaaaaaaa.....

Dr. Evilstan

Next Trip To Vegas, Zero G for $3,500!

A company called Zero G is selling virtually the same experience NASA astronauts get in training for weightless conditions. For just $3,500, you can reserve your seat in G-Force One, a specially outfitted Boeing 727, which flies in parabolic arcs, mimicking zero-gravity on the downturns.

Stephen Hawking recently took his turn…

For the $3,500 you get a 90 minute flight and 15 30-second intervals of zero gravity.

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…let’s hope it’s not your lunch!

The Stan