The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Not much happening today. I bought a trash can.

I’ve also been reading The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Five Novels In One Outrageous Volume” by Douglas Adams. I don’t get around to reading fiction (or in this case, sci-fi) all that often—not nearly as often as I’d like to.

Don’t get me wrong, I read constantly. At the moment, I’ve got a pile of marketing and business books that are currently on my to-read list. But every now and then you need some vacuous time. That is, time filled with pretty much nothing.

Not to discount the literary qualities of “Hitchiker’s Guide.” There aren’t many. But it’s a wildly entertaining read. Adams is full of satirical wit poking fun at…well…life, the universe, and everything!

For example, here’s a quote that reminds me of some of my own past experiences. I reprint it here with the express permission of the publishers…which I hope they will give me after the fact…and without me asking…

“Bistromathics itself is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an absolute but depended on the observer’s movement in space, and that time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer’s movement in time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer’s movement in restaurants.

“The first nonabsolute number is the number of people for whom the table is reserved…[etc.]

“The second nonabsolute number is the given time of arrival, which is now known to be one of those most bizarre of mathematical concepts, a recipriversexclusion, a number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself…[etc.]

“The third and most mysterious piece of nonabsoluteness of all lies in the relationship between the number of items on the check, the cost of each item, the number of people at the table and what they are each prepared to pay for. (The number of people who have actually brought any money is only a subphenomenon in this field.)

“Numbers written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe.”

I read all of Adams books in high school. But that was maybe 15 years ago. I was an avid sci-fi fan and read many books by Asimov, Heinlein, Niven, all the classic sci-fi greats.

And so I reveal my complete nerdness for all to see.

But I haven’t read a sci-fi book since high school. “Lord of the Rings” doesn’t count because it’s fantasy. Fantasy is a completely separate genre, a fact many fail to distinguish…much to my constant annoyance.

And so I reveal yet another layer of nerdness.

But oddly, a couple of weeks ago I suddenly became nostalgic for a classic sci-fi read. I fear I may be descending back into nerdhood…and after all my hard work to escape from it! Whether I was ever successful at it is up for debate.

And so I re-read Adams. Next on my list is the Mars Trilogy by Ken Stanley Robinson. Man, this is becoming habit-forming!

But like all good habits, it’s enjoyable…of arguable merit…and wastes time and money.

On another note: my legs are not nearly as sore today as yesterday. Which means I was able to walk today.

In fact, I was in so much pain yesterday, I felt…looked…and walked like an old man. A fact Alba was happy to point out every chance she got…

“Hey old man!”

“What’s taking so long?”

“Need a cain?”

Not to mention the sadistic giggles every time I groaned while shifting position on the couch!

What ever happened to tender-loving-care?

So anyway, I bought one of the most expensive trash cans ever today. Cost me $80. Stainless steel with a foot-lever and everything. It’s not one of those automatic infra-red models that cost $200. (How can anyone spend $200 on a trash can?)

Of course, before I hobbled into Bed Bath & Beyond I couldn’t imagine why anyone should spend $80 on a trash can…But when I saw the $200 one, suddenly $80 didn’t seem all that bad.

I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until just after I left the store…but I began wondering if it was some kind of conspiracy.

“Hey,” says a Bed Bath & Beyond executive, “let’s make a trash can that will sell for $80.”

“Eighty Dollars!” exclaims the CEO. “How can we possibly justify that?”

“Well…let’s see…How about we make a $200 trash can so that $80 looks cheap!”

“Brilliant!” says the CEO.

And so it was.

The Stan