Updates

I'm in a much better mood today. All is well that ends well. (In other words, we've had our make-up sex and are no longer arguing at the moment.)

In other news, I bought a green 1996 Toyota Corolla that's in fair shape cosmetically, but excellent shape mechanically. In fact, it was owned by a mechanic who kept up the maintenance and even rebuilt the engine. The rebuilt engine has less than 10,000 miles. The car as a whole, 144,000.

It runs very smooth, too. (I know it's supposed to be "smoothly" but that form just sounds too stilted to me.) He went on and on about how he aligned the valves and such. And you can feel it. Very smooth running engine. The mechanic assured me I should have no major maintenance issues for the next 50,000 miles.

All in all, $2700. Great value...even better than blue book. Car fax report showed a couple of minor accidents--nothing major. I couldn't pass it up, even though it didn't fit our original criteria.

Meanwhile, I've been taking Alba to the chiropractor. She'd been pretty sore since the accident and he's been snapping her back into place. It sounds just like stepping on a bunch of packing bubbles when he straightens her out.

Every time we go, Alba complains she has to fart. (Lying flat on your stomach is a great way to alleviate gas, by the way.) But I tell her that if she just times it for when he's cracking her back, he'll just think her back is really out of place! (Won't account for the smell, though.)

On another front, I'm organizing the brass band again. We'll be doing a concert on July 29. Further details to come.

And on yet another front, I can't wait to get the last disk from season 2 of Battlestar Galactica in the mail from Blockbuster. I think that is the best sci-fi show ever to air on television period. To Star Trek or SG1 fans, it might be sacrilege to say that. But there's a very good reason why I feel that way and I'll talk about it in a future post.

In the meantime, sayonara my friends.

The Stan

Henpecked

I'm not really in a mood to write today, and I haven't been for the last few days. I consider myself a positive person. I like to keep in good humor. That's why when I feel down, I'd rather not dwell on it by writing about it...even if that mood pervades all my thoughts.

But on the other hand, if I'm any kind of writer, I should write everyday. So here I am writing even though I don't really feel like it.

Ever since Alba got in the accident last week, she's been EXTREMELY irritable and argumentative. I hate arguing. I hate getting in verbal fights.

So when I'm forced into it, it makes me very irritable and frustrated and a lot more argumentative than I otherwise am.

Well, that only escalates the issue.

It sort of came to a head yesterday when unlike my ordinary behavior, I yelled at her in anger to just shut up, I don't want to hear another word.

I don't want to justify what I did. Even if I was extremely angry and frustrated. I should be more understanding. She's obviously traumatized from the accident and suffering some kind of depression, maybe PTSD.

But I'm only human. So when I should be patient and understanding, I'm impatient and self-centered.

I admit it.

But she's still irritable and I'm still very frustrated. I don't even feel like going home tonight. I just want to hang out with some guy friends and have a couple of beers. Guys don't yell at each other and say things like "if you really cared about me, you'd..."

But then if she found out I drank a couple of beers, she'd start riding my ass about how I shouldn't be wasting money on alcohol, that it's bad for me, that I smell like a homeless man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I'd get even more frustrated because she'd STILL be irritable and I'd probably yell at her again to shut her trap that I don't want to hear another word.

I don't know any other way to describe it, I feel henpecked! To be honest, it didn't just start last week. It's just that it suddenly got a lot WORSE.

It's the sort of thing a guy can only take so much of. So I'm hoping she starts getting in a better disposition sometime soon. It's already enough to make me seriously reconsider this relationship thing.

I really care about Alba. But there's a limit to my patience.

The Stan

Used Car Shopping Sucks!

What a pain in the ass! I hate looking for cars. I’ve just spent the whole day searching for a decent sedan for $5000 or less. If a car looked like a good deal, it was either already sold…or involved in an accident.

I even took the day off work to look for a car, and we came up with nothing.

I suppose I can only blame our narrow search criteria: a Honda, Toyota, or Nissan sedan with no cosmetic issues, a clean carfax report, 150K miles or less, and nothing white, red, blue, green, yellow, or any color other than silver, black, grey, tan or gold…and preferably from a private seller rather than a dealer. (I just chafe at the idea of paying a premium to a used car salesman.)

There were actually quite a few possibilities that came up. But without exception, the best deals were already taken. And on the two occasions when I found what at first appeared to be a good deal, I took time to drive to see the cars and they were in awful shape.

So…back to square one. And the clock is ticking on the rental car.

Today was a busy day, but that culinary adventure post I promised is coming soon. Also, I’ve been requested to write about my encounter with molesto-man, so look for that sometime within the next few days or so.

Oh! I just remembered! I’ve actually had two molesto-man encounters, but the second was when I was much older and in college, so it was less traumatic. Just disgusting.

The Stan

A Scrape With Death

Alba totaled the Honda today. She's okay and so are the people who hit her. Thank God for that.

It was Alba's faught...mostly. She was driving west into the late afternoon sun. As she was approaching the intersection, she saw the light was green. But because of the sun, she couldn't see the light as she got closer to the intersection. She assumed that it would stay green...but as lights are wont to do, it switched to yellow...then red...then Alba flies into the intersection not realizing it had changed.

Unfortunately, the cross traffic was already moving through the intersection and she got hit on the driver's side. Both doors were severely smashed in. The back tire's flat. The car's a total loss.

But fortunately, Alba's okay. Unharmed. A bit shaken up, though. I think I would be, too. Imagine looking out your left window at a car fast approaching you. It's like looking into the face of death.

I almost died once. (Well, more than once, but I'm telling about this one incident.) I was in college in Springfield, MO at the time. I lived in a neighborhood with a railroad crossing, and I'd always cross over it on my way to school. There were no lights at this particular crossing--it was a small neighborhood street--and there was almost never a train that passed through there.

Except one day there was a train.

And it just so happened to be crossing my road the moment I was planning to cross its tracks. I usually slowed down to check that all was clear, but on this particular morning, I was late...and in a hurry. There was a building that obscured the view to the south. You had to get real close to the tracks to see around it.

Well I did get close to the tracks that day...going almost 40 mph on a residential street. And just as I cleared the building and could see to the south, there was a train RIGHT THERE!!

I slammed on my brakes and skidded about 20 feet or so and stopped about 20 feet or so in front of the tracks...just as the train passed right in front of me.

I looked into the face of death that day. I also looked into the face of the train engineer who was shaking his head and wagging his finger at me.

I don't know what it is with me and close calls. But every time they happen...once the initial moment of absolute terror has coursed through my veins...I think it's funny! I was cracking up all the way to the music store where I was scheduled to give a lesson. I almost died so I could trim five minutes off my trip to a lesson...and I was busting a gut!

This has happened several times. I won't go into all the close calls on L.A.'s freeways. There's just too many of them, and most of them are forgotten. When I was working as a computer tech, it was almost a daily occurance. I had to drive so much, there was always a car changing lanes, clipping me off. Or the traffic unexpectedly stopped. Or the big piece of debris in the road. One time this bucket few out of the back of a truck, bounced on the road in front of me, and headed straight for my windsheild. I swerved to miss it without even checking the other lane. Fortunately, no one was there.

After a while, it stopped being funny. But then I stopped getting the shots of adrenaline, too. Just like it was a daily automatic reaction to whatever potentially deadly thing the road threw at me. I didn't even react emotionally, I just reacted.

And over the course of four years driving the L.A. freeways, I never got into an accident...accept once...and it wasn't my faught...and ironically, I was at a dead stop on the freeway. I had been stopped for almost a minute when this truck plows into my rear bumper. I didn't even know what happened. Suddenly I'm thrust forward, my head rolls back and I'm looking straight up at the ceiling of my car wondering why I'm doing that, then I'm looking straight down at my crotch, then straight ahead again--all in less than a second.

I won't go into all the details of this story. I'll just point out that the bastard took off and I was stuck with a totaled car I had to replace. And a sore neck for the next few days.

One more story before I sign off: (This one I remember because I definitely had an emotional reaction!)

I was driving on the 210 in Pasadena, during the late afternoon a few years ago. I was cruising about 80 when suddenly, the whole freeway started slowing to a craw. The 18 wheeler in the lane next to me slams on his brakes and he starts skidding down the freeway. His trailer starts jackknifing--and moving into my lane! So I slam on my brakes harder to get behind this guy. He has a lot more momentum than I do.

Meanwhile, black acrid smoke is screaching off his tires right into my windshield and obscuring the whole scene. Fortunately, he doesn't hit anyone...and I stay well behind. Apparently, an accident has just happened up ahead, and that's why the traffic slowed down so suddenly. I don't don't know for sure because I couldn't see it. But I move over and get off at the next exit to bypass whatever stopped the traffic.

All it takes is a split second to separate your spirit from your body. Everyday, people are killed on L.A.'s freeways. But I'm still here because of the grace of God. I almost died at birth because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. I almost died as a child from a severe allergic reaction to a red wasp sting--another few minutes getting to the hospital and I'd have been a goner. And as an adult, I've had more close calls than I care to remember.

But I'm still here.

And thank God Alba is, too.

Let's hope we're both around for a long time to come!

The Stan

P.S. I'll post my culinary adventure tomorrow!

How To Get a Hard-On From a Spider

Lurking in the Brazilian rainforests...

awaits a terrifying eight-legged creature...

a spider with such terrible venom...

it gives you a massive hard-on that lasts for hours!

http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/070501_spider_venom.html

What if Spiderman would have been bitten by this guy. I suppose he'd have an entirely different set of powers...

Seriously, though. I'm sure there are many men impatiently awaiting the commercial development of this discovery. I hear the new drug will be given the scientific name "mycoxafailin."

Dr. Hardstan

How To Destroy The Earth

I found this interesting article on Live Science today, featuring the top ten ways to destroy the Earth. Check it out:

http://www.livescience.com/technology/destroy_earth_mp.html

My favorite, and the most intriquing method, is the light bulb one. I'm going to have to look into that.

Mwahahahahaaaaaaaa.....

Dr. Evilstan

The Stan and His Wo-man...

Well, that’s me. And that’s my fiancée. This photo was taken, oh, almost three years and 60 pounds ago. We’re standing at the kitchen bar in our apartment.

Alba is a Oaxacan native and descended from the Mayans. Ever since watching Apocalypto, I’ve been living in fear that she may be harboring some long-dormant head-lopping genes that could express themselves at any moment…particularly during certain periods of the lunar cycle.

Now is one of those times.

Since Alba doesn’t like taking medications of any kind, she just suffers through it…and I along with her.

Still…I always forgive her for her grouchiness. Who can’t forgive such a beautiful face?

Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Alba’s appearance (besides being short) are her eyes. They can’t be called brown…they’re almost solid black. You have to get really close to distinguish the iris from the pupil…which means you have no idea if her eyes are dilating or contracting.

So to judge her frame of mind, you must look for other clues…like the furrow in her brow, or the shape of her mouth.

That may be a bit disconcerting for some people, but to me it makes her even more beautiful and alluring.

In a lot of ways, we really are an odd couple. I’m much taller than she is. I weigh well over twice as much as she. Even once I get back to my lean-mean-sexy machine self (I believe I was around 220 at the time this photo was taken), I’ll still weigh twice as much as she.

I suppose you don’t really appreciate the cultural difference until you live with someone for a while. Since English is Alba’s second language, communication can be maddening at times.

But also humorous.

For example, she occasionally says, “See you later agulator!”

To which I can only respond, “After while, crodocile!”

She often gets “he” and “she” confused and it makes it almost impossible to follow a story if more than one person and one gender is involved.

And on one occasion, she said, “Let’s finish watching this tomaña,” a mix between the English “tomorrow” and the Spanish “mañana.”

Being the occasionally quick-witted person I am, I said “Okay, but I’m really in need of a glass of aguater!” (Spanish “agua” and English “water.” I guess you had to have been there.)

Anyway, you never know what Alba’s going to say…and when she says it, it often makes little sense.

But I still love her.

She’s also introduced me to some very tasty foods I’d never heard of and would likely have gone my whole life never eating were it not for her. I’ll talk more about those tomorrow...

That is, of course, if my head is still firmly attached to my shoulders! Let’s hope it stays there for a very long time…

The Stan